You're standing there with your boyfriend (or date) and some skinny minny 18 year old walks by, hooker heels and all. You hold your breath. God, please put the blinders on him. You look at him-- nope, he's not looking back at you. It's happened-- he is TOTALLY checking her out. You feel like crap. Why did you even go out tonight? The feeling sinks in. Does he not value you? How are you going to sit through an entire meal knowing he's oogling the teen girl at the table over? How do you handle this? I've come up with 30 options. Take your pick! 1. A slap suits the situation quite nicely. 2. Hit on the waiter when he comes back-- tell him your food is cold and that you "like it hot" *wink*. 3. If you are at a restaurant ask him if you can switch sides of the table. Upon switching, look in the direction of the girl an say, "Wow, yeah, much better view."
4. Start talking about Channing Tatum's body.
5. Ask your date if he'd like you to get the girl's number for him.
6. Order the most fattening items on the menu and tell him you're glad he loves you the way you are. Wolf them down like a starving pig.
7. Invite her to your table for a drink, and a friendly little chat.
8. Grab his face with your hands, look him sweetly in the eye with a smile and say, "You know, out of every guy here, I can't stop looking at you, babe."
9. Go to "the bathroom" and never come back.
10. Go up to her and tell her, "Heyyy, so my boyfriend thinks you're hot, and you know what, you can have him."
11. Tell him you're late for your next date. 12. If you're at a restaurant, ask the waiter if you can move to a table with a better view. 13. Confess that you have feelings for his older, hotter brother. 14. Say, "Gee, aren't there a lot of hot people here?" 15. Tell him the guy at the table next to you is out with his girlfriend but keeps checking you out. Threaten to go tell his girlfriend. 16. Ask if he needs a napkin for his drool. 17. When your food comes, tell the waitress you'd actually like a box... to-go..... right now. 18. Call him out and say, "That girl has a great body, doesn't she?" 19. Tell him about your friend's boyfriend who keeps checking out other girls when he's out with her.... and how you told her to break up with him. 20. Ask him what time he is taking you home. 21. Mention that you broke up with your last boyfriend because he couldn't keep his eyes off other girls, to the point where you just didn't feel special. 22. Zone out for a second and then *smiling* say, "Sorry, I was distracted by someone."
23. Ask him to start a staring contest with you.
24. If you're at a sports bar, start a game of ranking the players on TV.
25. Say with a smile, "Sweetheart, I don't know if I've told you how happy I am that you only have eyes for me."
26. Dramatically move your body to look in the direction that he's staring. Then ask him intensely, "Oh sorry I thought I was missing something. You seemed distracted."
1. Read the newspaper, and if you don't have one, buy a subscription to one. Why? Because a) it's like a present in your driveway every morning and b) you will get a fantastic return on the investment when you consider all of those "money saving coupons." 2. Drive through a car wash and vacuum the inside out. Why? Because let's face it-- road salt is not good for your car. You might as well drench it with nail polish remover. 3. Smother your feet with lotion and wear socks to bed. Why? Because there is nothing more cringe-worthy than playing footsie with dry, cracked tortoise feet. 4. Clean out and take inventory of your pantry. Tip: Don't buy groceries until you've used up all of the things in your pantry. If certain things (i.e. pasta noodles) don't excite you, then look up recipes on Pinterest to find ways to use the things you have.
5. Find/steal/borrow a dog to hold. I am house sitting for the owners of this adorable maltese mix, Darby. I call her Darbs. She is like a little toy, all snuggled on my legs while I type this. Check out my cute little girl below.
In honor of Valentine's Day, I decided to go on a little omg-I-love-her-hair kick. Why? I am coming to terms with the fact that big sexy mermaid hair is not always "professional." Therefore, as a second semester senior, I figured I should get out all of these big sexy mermaid hair urgesbefore I enter the corporate world of librarian buns, claw clips, and (*gasp*) bobs. Come along and indulge in locks I love.
Black and Beige. Black and Beige. Black and Beige. Black and Beige. Yes, that was a tribute to Black and Yellow (which is a song by Wiz Khalifa for all of my, ehem, "mature" readers). This springtime color combination is much more flattering than the stark black and white look of seasons past. Why? 1) You won't look like a jailbird, 2) You will get in touch with your inner Audrey Hepburn, and 3) You'll be able to sit on park benches without walking away with "skid marks" on your rear. And if you haven't noticed, only half of the population can pull off stark white without looking ill. To all my fair skinned sistahs, this trend was MADE for you!