Modern Wife Life

1. Delete their number from your phone.  Let's be real, you never had it memorized anyways.
2. No matter WHERE your closest family and friends are in the world- RELY on them! Call them whenever you're alone with your thoughts.
3. Make a "calling list" of people to call.  It can be 10-12 of your closest friends/family.  Rotate through this list and you'll never feel like you're unloading too much of a burden onto one person.
4. Quote little pieces of advice that each person says, and write it down.  How do you think I came up with this list?
5.  Say out loud, "I'm free."  Say it again.  And again.  There is so much packed into the word "free" that it might take a while to hit you.  But it will hit you.  And you will feel like you have the world at your fingertips.
6. Look hot.  Shallow?  Maybe.  Does it work?  Yes.  No more sweatpants babe, it's time to dig up the hottest things in your closet.
7.  Don't let yourself be swept up by a "shoulder to cry on" that has ulterior motives to be your _______.   Yeah, I'll let you fill in those blanks.
8. Don't eat your feelings.  Please.  You will just end up feeling worse for longer as you try to shake the 10 pounds of Ben & Jerry's from your thighs.
9. Don't just "untag" yourself and him in Facebook photos, actually delete the photos and photo albums all together.   You probably have them saved somewhere on your computer anyways.  Not to mention in your 2-3 scrapbooks.
10.  If mutual friends or mere acquaintances ask you what happened, do NOT disclose details.  Let them know it's over, and it's for the best.
11.  If your EX messages you or texts you, do NOT respond.  It will drive them crazy. They're looking for a response-- submission or revolt.  By revolting you take the label and you are now "the bad guy."  By submitting you would say something like "you're right' or "I'm sorry."  Either would give him back the control.  By not saying anything you are getting the "last say."
12.  Get advice from people who can RELATE.  Your mom gives general mom-isms like, "You'll find someone better."  But that's not what we really want to hear.
13.  Know any psychology majors?  Chances are, they'll be empathetic, great listeners, give great advice, and be able to psychoanalyze anything and everything. Seek them out.  Be their case study.
14. DON'T give in to the "Day 7 bait."  This is when it finally sinks in for them about 7-10 days after the break up, and they miss you a little.  They will reach out to you in a short text or facebook message (i.e. "Are you ok?").  They will try to suck you back in to see if you still care about them in order to make themselves feel better-- they're not actually interested in "trying things again." The best thing is to not respond.  It's like a slap in the face.  Fabulous, right?
15.Two best distractions: Stumbleupon and Pinterest
16.  If you don't cry very much, it's okay.  You probably cried so much during the relationship that it was all you really needed.
17. Never go looking for a new guy.  You'll find one where you least expect it-- sounds cliche, but is absolutely true.
18.  Make a list of all of the reasons this relationship brought your spirit down.  You'll be surprised you stayed for as long as you did.  Ask your best friend what they noticed...  Because I'm sure they have a lot to say.
19.  Don't have regrets, just have lessons learned.  Think of things that you've learned about yourself, and about what you're really looking for.  In what ways do you want the next guy to be different?  Was your last boyfriend controlling?  Financially irresponsible?  Overly dependent on his parents?  What things are important to you in a guy?
20. Re-find yourself in your past loves. (NOT how it sounds).  What passions, dreams, and interests did you lose sight of when you were with this person?  Did you love to dance, but they didn't?  Like to see chick flicks, but always had to sit through their action movies?  Like to work out, but they monopolized your time?  What things did you LOVE to do?  Do them.
21.  Remember this quote: "Love isn't always on time." - Colleen McCann.  Don't plan love.  Because, honestly, no one but God can see this bigger picture.
22. Ask your parents what they REALLY thought of this person.  You might be surprised.
23.  Ask yourself when you first became uninvested.  When did you first doubt the relationship?  Don't be surprised if it was 2+ years ago.  The truth is, the moment of true uninvestment is oftentimes the beginning of the end.
24.  Never ever ever rebound.  Why?  This is literally like slamming all your crap into the closet before guests come over.  You'll have to deal with it later.  And when you do, it will be much more jumbled up and overwhelming to sort through than before.  My advice?  Take your time to process things, and let anyone you start dating know what you've just been through.  With that said, refer to numero 6.

1. Nalgene... I'm a 90s child... and I ran cross-country in high school. But hey, I still think I'm an athlete. I am... right?

1. Get a tattoo (of anything other than a chinese symbol, a flower, or a butterfly).
2. Wear glasses.  Who cares if your vision is 20/20.  You'll be taken more seriously-- it's not a rumor.
3. Stack a bunch of eclectic bracelets and bangles on your arm.  You will look more worldly and well-traveled.  Who cares if you got them all from Forever21?
6. Wear everything in your closet 1x before you re-wear things.
8. Eat sushi.  Because let's face it, sushi says, "I'm cultured."
10. Go 1 day without make-up.  You'll definitely get more noticed.  Letting your guard down like this makes you instantly more "real" to acquaintances and classmates.
11.  When you're with people and need to take a phone call, step aside.  Not only is this simply polite, but it creates instant intrigue.  Who called you?  It must have been important.
13. Use a "face time" strategy when going out.  Stay at parties for an hour or less.  Casually bounce around to different groups-- but NOT rushing like late for an appointment.
14. Change your hair texture once a week (i.e. curly to straight or straight to curly).  Again, you'll get the double take and people will often think, "I wonder how long that took?"
15.Dress up for an interview when you don't actually have one.  It will probably intimidate the crap out of your colleagues.
16. Only update your Facebook status 1x a week, and make it WORTH IT (i.e. no song lyrics, or "what I ate for breakfast" statuses).
17. Hide your Facebook photos.  People will wonder.  Who cares what they're wondering-- at least they're wondering.
19. If you babysit, take the kids grocery shopping.  You'll get that look, "Hmm, is she a teen mom?"  Bam. You're more interesting. Mission accomplished.
20. Two Words: Trader Joe's.