10 Things Wrong with Wearing "Dad Jeans"

 Question: What is wrong with them?

1. They give men a pancake-butt that resembles the saggy bottom of a post-menopausal woman. Enough said. Stop reading if you are easily offended.
2. They do not flatter you OR your junk.  I'm not even going to delve into this point, for the obvious reasons.  All I'm saying is that the fluffy front of dad jeans makes your frontside look airy like a plastic grocery bag.
3. The high rise or long zipper creates a really unflattering midsection. The worst is when the rise hits at the smallest part of your waist. The best rise is below the waist, at the hip-bone.  So much sexier.  There is no debate.
4. Dad jeans NEVER appear long enough.  It's because they are narrow at the ankle to the point where they sit on top of your shoes.  Jeans should NEVER be more than 1" off the ground.
5. Consistency of color.  The wash of "dad jeans" is usually a consistent, all-over, dye that fits the name "blue jeans" to a tee.  The problem with this is that it's extremely outdated.  Jeans are no longer called "blue jeans" for a reason- they come in multiple shades, colors, and tones!  Unless you are 50+ you really need to jump on the bandwagon that we call "distressed denim."
6. The seams are lighter in color because the dye wears off.  If you think this makes your jeans look "hip" and "distressed" you are mistaken.  The unevenly faded seams simply create an ugly distraction from the rest of the jeans.
7. "Dad jeans" are NOT cheaper.  You might feel like all other styles and brands of jeans are going to be more expensive than your good ol' trusty "dad jeans."  Well, you're wrong.  Nowadays, you can get flattering denim at any price point (from $10 to $100).
8. Tucking a shirt into "dad jeans" is the ULTIMATE failure.  I would rather see you forget to wear underwear than to make this mistake.  If you are in your twenties, this will really age you.
9.  There are only two directions for "dad jeans" to go-- either like a toddler with a stinky diaper, or a 40 year old virgin.  Take your pick.
10.  I will give you a wedgie.  Seriously,  when I see these jeans I want to take hold of his belt-loop and yank as hard as I can.  The jeans already look like they're riding up WAY too much on their own, so someone either needs to pull them down or yank them up.   A lesson needs teaching.

Agree? Disagree?

XoXo,

Dylan Maureen